"i've realised what i am. i'm the book you were reading when the final harry potter book came out. you were half way through me. and we were fast approaching the "happliy ever after" but then this other book came out. not nessicarily better, infact, in may lead to a bit of a let down. it was just that you were so excited about this other book, and anticepated so much from it, that when it came out you forgot all about the book you were perfectly happy to be readin the day before. and now you'll never know how it ends"

its pretty well bullshit that i still miss you.

even more bullshit that i stayed home tonight because i didn't want to see you with her.

more bullshit still that we are no longer together and i am still missing mates birthdays because of you.

get out of my head. get out of my life. i know i'm out of yours, so how is this fair?

So lately i have been wondering what this whole "love" thing is. I mean... i've watched to movies, i've read the books. But i never got it.

and now i think that maybe... well maybe its there, maybe i'm feeling it. But wouldn't i know for sure? If i loved him wouldn't i be certain of it. Wouldn't i understand what love is? I just don't know.

So, in true xanga junkie fashion i turned to blogrings. Most specifically quotes. Heres a few of the ones i found that spoke to me.

"time has changed nothing at all. you're still the only one that feels like home"

"Imagine a future moment in your life, where all your dreams come true. You know, it's the greatest moment of your life, and you get to experience it with one person. So, who's standing next to you?"

"i think of you in colours that don't exisit."

"you make my world spin faster than any amount of tequila ever could."

"for me, you are the ONE. the rest is just the rest"

"Do you miss him at the most happy and fulfilling times of your life? just because you miss him when the world is quiet and you feel alone doesn`t mean you love him. you will miss anyone when you`re lonely. it`s when your life is going great and you still feel that ache in your heart because he isn`t there to see the genuine smile on your face and happiness in your life."

"nothing feels right when i'm not with you"

Strangely enough, this one also spoke to me. Which makes me think maybe no. NO. Although it doesn't really relate at all because its nothing like him. I mean, so many times he lectured me about drinking, and all my other bad habits.

"You're only happy when I'm wasted. I point my finger but I just can't place it. Feels like I'm falling in love when I'm falling to the bathroom floor. remember how you tasted, I've had you so many times, let's face it. Feels like I'm falling in love alone."

this is a tiny collection of the quotes i have found since this question started nagging at me. Some of them are close. But none are how i feel. I just don't get it.

so, my question to you, dear reader, is this:

What is love? The closest version of it that you can put into words. And should i know whether i do or don't?

-revision: i am not in love; she is.

Do you ever get so completely wraped up and spun around by everyting that before you even know it your completely lost? You don't know where you are or how you got there. And your standing in the middle of a room with everyone staring out you and all you can think is "oh god how do i go back." Its like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Only Alices punnishment for being careless enough to fall was simply confusion. Whereas in the real world the punnishment seems to be the loss of love. its just i get so dumbed down in all this crap...

ok, so right now the whole 2 people who stumble across this blog and maybe take the time to read this far are thinking "what on earth is this nutter on about."  So i guess i should enlighten you. i had this friend. the best friend you could ask for. Then one day he tells me that he's fallen for me. And i have a minor freak out. The result of this freak out is my avoiding him for 6 months. Effectivly destroying what the friendship was. Then, as fate would have it, we both happen to find ourselves drinking around the same table. A drink leads to a walk, and a walk leads to a massive D&M session in which i apologise profusely. The friendship starts to mend and before you know it we were back, ALMOST as good as new.

We were talking every day. Spending practically all our free time together. We helped each other through countless crushes. Picked each other up when we'd had more than we could handle. although i always kept him at arms length I counted him as my best friend. And for me, to say someone is my best friend is a HUGE thing, because i've got this girl who is so epicly magnificent that i can't imagin my life without her. And to equal ranks with that kinda love is something pretty special. At the same time i was growing rather close to another girl, she was relitivly new in our group didn't really have a place yeat but everyone loved her. Anyway, i started chilling with her an awful lot. Did her a few favours and told her a few secrets. She was deffinatly what i considered to be a great friend. Then i invited her along to a music festival. We were camping with a big group of my friends including the guy i mentiond. So i encouraged them all to rub shoulders with her. And rub they did. Before i knew it there were all best friends, which i thought was fantastic, it seemed her transition into us was smooth and flawless.

Now, theres something you have to know about me and music festivals. When i go to a festival i don't like being tied down. I hate having to miss acts that i want to see so that other people can see acts they want to see. I hate being closed off and not meeting all the new and exciting people that these places have to offer. So i just find it easier to spend alot of time walking around on my own, well, at least not commited to anyone. Its nothing personal against the people i'm with, i still love them all dearly. Its just what i like.

Anyway, me being myself, left the group for a fair chunk of the first two days, not even dreaming that i would be missed. And spent it with randoms seeing shows, and with a boy that i had become rather smitten with. But they saw it as my ditching them and came to the conclusion that i was shitty with them. This lead to them forming the opinion "if she doesn't want to talk to us, we don't want to talk to her." I ended sleeping out of my tent and spending as much time as possible away from my camp. They ended up betting on how far i'd go with the boy. I.e. how much of a slut i was. Which, to put it softly, hurt. like really hurt.

I was upset and so i text my bestie to talk it over, as she wasn't there and i really just needed a shoulder to cry on. in the message i said something along the lines of "i dunno what the fuck has gotten into her. i mean one minute its all peachy keen and i'm getting ehr tickets to a music festival, introducing her to all my mates and really sticking my neck of for her and the next she's acting like she hates my guts"  now the girl the message was about read the message and got really pissed.

I spent the rest of the music festival away from camp and left early in the morning at the end so i didn't have to see them (probably not the best move, but i assumed it was just a music festival thing and it would all blow over back home.) Then back home it blew over with everyone but her. She stayed mad and was very apparent about it, to the point where she was just plain rude. We made up fleetingly a few times but it never lasted more than a week. Meanwhile, she replaced me with the guy i told you about. She hung out with him more and more. So i got to hang out with him less and less. It got to a point where i'd just about lost him completely, become the girl he used to know.  

Then fate once more steped in, in the noble form of alcohol. I was at a party drinking it up when someone mentioned him. I went into a massive downer and ended up texting him telling him i missed him. He hadn't even noticed i was gone. He started making an effort though. Talking to me on the sly. It was never much, just little snippets here and there when she wasn't around. But out of the little snippets i began to realise just how amazing he was and how much i hadn't appriceated about him. In short i began to fall for him.

Now i'm screwed. I want him, he has her.

What do i do?

Do i even have the right to want him? Should i just leave him be and get on with life?